Cath and Sara Fanfic - Recently Updated Pages

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SassyFan — Fri, 06 Jul 2007 22:02:17 CDT

The Truth:Part 1
by SassyFan

Beautiful

halfbloodme — Sun, 11 Mar 2007 15:38:20 CDT

Mainly Sara, Some Cath

halfbloodme — Sun, 11 Mar 2007 15:37:03 CDT

Sara	What have I done?	Awww but Cath.....	Looking behind....
Playing Coy	Resolved	Sara blue	Sara stamp
Lost in thought	You what????	Lost	Sara
Quizzical	Down	Thoughtful	Busy

Icons of our girls

halfbloodme — Sun, 11 Mar 2007 15:36:04 CDT

What dreams are made of...	When will you see me for me?	Worried	Sara
There is no way	Cath	Gorgeous	Cath Fingerprint
Cath Fingerprint 2	Catherine	Cath Smile	Trying not to laugh
Whatever	I feel funny...	Torn Apart	Sara

Cath and Sara goodies

halfbloodme — Sun, 11 Mar 2007 15:34:25 CDT

Sara and Catherine	Couple	Do you feel the same way?	Eyes up!
Gorgeous	I hate myself for losing you	I thought we could head home...	Hiding something
I hate to watch you walk away	Kiss me already	Like I'd tell you	Lost Without you
Sara and Cath	Searching in the dark	Sexy	I'll show you the way home

More icons

halfbloodme — Sun, 11 Mar 2007 15:33:50 CDT

New Kid on the block	Now do you see?	Science queen	Shattered
The way she smiles	The way she smiles	Thinking of her	Two Sharp women
Wanna grab a bite?	Watching you from afar	Watching from behind the glass	You told Sara?
Cath - gun	Cath - camera	Catherine Willows	Celebrate

Our sexy ladies

halfbloodme — Sun, 11 Mar 2007 15:33:21 CDT

Cath	Daddy's Little Girl	Does she know I even exist?	Don't Act Too Obvious
Foxy Lady	Grrrrrrr!!!!!!!	I Can't hide anymore	Need to tell you
I pretend I don't see you standing there	I see you Baby	It hurts to be this close and yet so far from your heart	Let me in
Listen	Looking at you with new eyes	Lost without your touch	Motherly Love

CSI: Cath and Sara Fan Site

halfbloodme — Sun, 11 Mar 2007 15:19:19 CDT

This site is dedicated to 'two strong women', namely Catherine Willows and Sara Sidle of CSI. This site is purely for lovers of this non-cannon ship.

Here you will find fanfic, graphics, fanvids and just about anything we can come up with to celebrate these two beautiful characters. This is a femslash/femmeslash site so if you aren't into f/f pairings then the site isn't for you. If you are take a look around and hopefully you'll see something you like!

Enjoy your visit to the site, and if you like it, tell others about it. We can only grow if we have your support =0)

Disclaimer - I or any of the authors/graphic creators featured on this site do not own the characters, they belong to CBS. This is just our take on things - halfbloodme

Follow the links below to explore the site:

Case Files - facts about the lovely characters that are Cath and Sara
Fanfic - stories by our contributors
Graphics - Icons and wallpapers created by us for you
Movies - our fanvids created out of love

Totally Cath

halfbloodme — Sun, 11 Mar 2007 14:37:44 CDT

Yet More Icons

halfbloodme — Sun, 11 Mar 2007 14:34:50 CDT

Somewhere Private	The way you make me feel	True Love	Warrick and Cath
Who told you?	You tell him or I will	You were my friend	Best Friends
Cath - helmet	Cath and Sara	Getting to know you	Huggles
Not hiding anything....	The Perfect Couple	pout	Sara Sidle

Iconage

halfbloodme — Sun, 11 Mar 2007 14:32:46 CDT

Cath's one night stand

halfbloodme — Sun, 11 Mar 2007 14:30:37 CDT

I can still taste her on my lips. Smell her perfume in the air. When I wake, for a moment I believe she still lies there beside me. But then I open my eyes and realise that I am back in Las Vegas, in my own bed. Memories of my lover are just that, memories. Lying beside me is the woman I love. I chased Sara for so long. And now I have her. She means the world to me, but still I crave the adventure that my lust for Calleigh Duquesne brought to me that one night in Miami.

Drabbles

halfbloodme — Sun, 11 Mar 2007 14:28:48 CDT

Short stories/snippets involving our wonderful girls

Ch.7

Immi — Thu, 15 Feb 2007 20:48:48 CST

I walk out of the locker room in some sort of a daze, walking towards the break room. I really want that drink.

I didn’t know that Catherine thought of me as a friend. I mean, when it comes to us, civil is about as warm as fuzzy as it gets.

Really, the conversation we just had was the friendliest one in months. And she started out looking like she wanted to kill something.

This is really bad. I think loving my mortal enemy was a bit healthier. Well, not healthier, but…

Actually, this whole thing sucks. I really want that drink right about now.

I’ve reached the break room, and Greg immediately bounces up to defend his precious coffee.

“I’m still not letting you near my coffee until you tell me- hey, are you all right?” He stops mid sentence, noticing my far-from-happy expression.

I nod- half-collapsing into a chair- not really sure what I should say. Greg cocks his head to one side and eyes me speculatively.

Then he sits down next to me, still staring.

“Boredom can cause depression, you know. And Grissom hasn’t let us do anything interesting all week, so things are bound to be dreary.” He stops for a second and places a finger under his chin. Then he perks up and snaps his fingers.

“I got it! It’s not that we don’t have anything to do! It’s that we don’t have anyone to do! Let’s go to a bar and get trashed!”

I blink. Did he really just say that?

“Of course, for you, it would have to be a gay bar… But we can still make this work! Do you think Nick’s sick of being a straight cowboy yet?”

One pinch doesn’t mean anything, right? Oh God…

“Greg! No getting drunk in a gay bar!”

He pouts. “But… but… I had everything planned out so perfectly! How can you just ignore my genius solution?”

I sigh and lean back in my chair. “Sorry, Greg, but boredom isn’t really my problem at the moment.”

He perks up again. “Then what’s up? You look worse than Ecklie at the moment.”

I stay quiet for a few moments, once again at a loss for words. Then I blurt out what’s been on my mind for the last ten minutes.

“We’re friends.”

Greg looks at me oddly. “Well, yes, otherwise I would never dream of putting up with you-”

“Not us; me and Catherine. She said I’m her friend.”

For a second, neither of us says a word. Greg is staring at me blankly.

“This is a bad thing, isn’t it?”

I nod, smiling a little at the understatement.

“Did you like the ‘getting trashed’ part of my plan?”

----------

“So you’re her friend. When did that happen?”

I shrug, carelessly letting some of my beer splash out of the bottle. “I figured that you might know more about that than I do. I completely missed it until she actually told me.”

“That’s weird. Usually you’re the first one to get anything Catherine-related. You would think you would figure out that you were her friend before then.”

I wince. He’s right. I notice absolutely everything about Catherine. I’m not really sure how I missed this. I’m completely obsessed with the woman, and I’m also a CSI. I should have picked up on something.

“So… you wanna change the topic before we get completely wasted? If we keep on talking about Cath, then I’ll have to put up with you ranting about how gorgeous she is and how much you love her. That was only interesting the first dozen times, Sara.”

I attempt to throw a pillow at his head, but it misses. I should have eaten something today.

“Fine. How’s your love life?”

He makes a face and lets his head fall over the couch. “Ugh. You really know how to choose the happy topics, don’t you?”

I shrug again. He hadn’t made any topic suggestions, so I picked one for him.

“Well, I have a cute new neighbor that cons me into turtle-watching.”

“Turtle-watching?”

“Yeah… she has a pet turtle who hates me. Every time I come near it, it tries to get out of its tank and attack me. Vicious little thing.”

“And you still watch said turtle?”

Apparently, Greg had some food before his alcohol. His pillow hits me right in the face, and I narrowly avoid spilling beer all over me.

“I said that she cons me into it- sheesh, Sara!”

I smirk at him, and he glares back fiercely.

“Can’t we talk about something else- besides our oh so depressing lack of girlfriends?”

“Sadly, that’s pretty much all I can think of.” Did you really have to bring up the fact that both of us have lousy love lives, Greggo? For a second I almost managed to forget about Catherine.

Catherine and her gorgeous eyes… her beautiful strawberry blonde hair… her luscious body… her-

“Good grief.”

I can feel my blush as I tear away from my thoughts and look back at Greg. He looks like an extremely amused Cheshire cat. That can’t be good.

“What?”

“You’re drooling.”

I try to hide my growing blush by taking another swig of beer. There are certain disadvantages to having Greg as a best friend.

----------

As the night goes on, we both get progressively drunker. Greg has fallen off of the couch, and is currently ogling the ceiling while he sings something under his breath.

I’m still on the couch, staring out into space. And thinking about Catherine. I do that way too much for my own good. But, in my defense, pretty much anything I think about is going to spark some misery. At least with Catherine I can think of the times she’s smiled at me before thinking that we’ll never be together, and even if through some miracle we did end up together, I’d ruin it.

“Hey Sar? Who’s your favorite Scooby-Doo character?”

I guess Greggo got tired of singing.

“Favorite what character?”

“Scooby-Doo. You know… Scooby-Dooby-Doo, where are you? We got some work to do now. Scooby-Dooby-Doo, where are you? We need some help from you now… Scooby-Doo. Favorite character?”

“Greg, what the hell are you talking about?”

Greg pops up, head wobbling slightly. “You’ve never seen Scooby-Doo? What sort of deprived childhood did you have?”

I honestly have no idea why I say it, but I do.

“Oh, just the sort where my Dad beat the crap out of me pretty much every day while my Mom stood back and did nothing- oh wait, no, occasionally she’d join in. And I guess she did kill the bastard, so that’s something.”

Greg has completely frozen. He obviously didn’t expect that.

I can’t help it; I continue talking.

“You know, it’s probably a good thing Cath doesn’t have any feelings for me. I’d just end up ruining her life with all of my issues. She’s better off without me.”

My face feels wet. Funny. I don’t remember crying.

I’m still looking at Greg. He doesn’t look too good. I guess the alcohol and the outburst was a little much for him. He’ll probably leave any second. I close my eyes and wait for the sound of my door opening.

It doesn’t come. I hear footsteps, but they aren’t heading away. I open my eyes again and watch as Greg walks over to the couch and wraps his arms around me- all the while muttering comforting nonsense. For a second I freeze, but then I curl into him and let my silent sobs rack our bodies.

God, this is screwed up.

I Want You

Immi — Thu, 15 Feb 2007 20:39:52 CST

There is no abstract available for this page revision.

Game 2

halfbloodme — Fri, 12 Jan 2007 16:03:13 CST

Standing there in the kitchen, just an apron protecting her skin from the hot hob, Catherine smiled to herself. She could hear the water from the shower upstairs come to a halt. Soon Sara would be coming down to join her for dinner and the brunette would get a shock when she saw her other half standing there in her birthday suit. It was time for the second game to begin, and Catherine couldn’t wait to see just how far she could push Sara.

*

“Cath, where are you?” Sara’s voice called from the living room.

“In here, Baby. Dinner’s on the table.” Catherine sat at the table, waiting patiently for her girl to walk through the door.

“Smells good…whoa!” Sara’s head came round the door and her eyes nearly popped out of her head.

‘Something wrong, Sara?” Catherine tried not to show the amusement she felt.

“Um…no. Nothing.” The younger woman sat down opposite her and tried to avoid smiling as she realised, that as the famous literary detective would say ‘the game was afoot’.

*

The whole way through dinner, Catherine tended to every one of Sara’s needs. Fetching her beer, clearing the table, producing dessert. Not once did she do anything that suggested she was even aware of her nakedness. She knew that it was driving Sara wild. Could feel her lover’s eyes following her every time she moved from the table. It brought a sense of excitement to the strawberry-blond. She shooed Sara into the living room whilst she cleaned up the kitchen, much to the brunette’s annoyance.

Sara slumped on the couch and grabbed the television remote. She flicked through the channels, disinterested in anything she found. Catherine had caused her to reach the point of distraction. Sara could feel that familiar ache between her legs as her lover walked into the room, she grabbed one of the forensic journals from under the table, making sure she was close enough to touch but not actually allowing contact between them and then sat in her usual place at the opposite end of the couch.

“Anything good on?” Catherine raised her head from the journal, catching Sara trying not to watch her.

“Nada. Any interesting articles in there?” Sara tried to keep the conversation normal. She had to follow Catherine’s lead in order to find out where this was heading, although she had a pretty good idea.

“A couple. Although I’ve read them before.” Catherine threw the journal on the floor and smiled. She wondered just how frustrated Sara was beginning to get. Pondered over the probability of the hunger that was growing inside her lover.

“Any suggestions on what we should do then?” Sara knew the answer she wanted, but knew it wasn’t the one she was going to get.

“Well, why don’t you go and crack open a bottle of bubbly and I’ll go and slip into my nightshirt? Then we can settle down and watch a DVD.” Catherine was enjoying the effect she was having.

“Um…ok.” There was disappointment in Sara’s voice. She pushed herself off of the brown leather sofa and headed towards the kitchen whilst Catherine quickly made her way upstairs.

Catherine pulled on her pale blue lace teddy and a pair of six-inch stilettos before hurrying back downstairs. She could hear Sara in the kitchen, cursing as she tried to find the corkscrew. Catherine had hidden it under the wine rack whilst loading the dishwasher. She had wanted to buy herself a little time. Once back in the living room, she dimmed the lights, grabbed the matches and lit the candles that surrounded the room. She hit the play button on the Hi-Fi and soon a mix of seductive music filled the room. She hid behind the door and waited for Sara to come back in.

“Cath…it took me a while to find the corkscrew…” Sara walked back in and took a look around her, almost dropping the bottle and glasses she was carrying. She hadn’t expected this twist in the game. She regained her composure and walked back to the couch. Sitting down, she poured two glasses of wine.

Catherine waited for a few minutes, allowing Sara to relax a little before walking calmly out from behind the door. She could hear Sara exhale as she headed towards her, picked up one of the glasses and put it to her lips, taking a sip. She placed the glass back on the table and walked silently around the table, positioning herself in front of the now highly agitated woman she called her lover. Sara sat back on the couch, parting her legs slightly; she was catching onto what was happening. Catherine smiled. There was something tantalising about doing this for her girl. It was a rush that caused the blood to race through her veins.

Sara watched, knowing she couldn’t touch, as Catherine rolled her head slowly, allowing her hair to kiss her shoulders, a teasing sigh falling from her lips. The older woman turned and lowered herself until she was almost sitting on the brunette’s lap. The former dancer gyrated in time to the music, enjoying the reaction she was getting in the form of her girlfriend’s breathing. She could hear the excitement building, knew that Sara was doing all she could to resist grabbing her and fucking her there on the couch. Slowly but surely Catherine stood once more. She walked towards the door, paused and turned around, beckoning Sara to follow her and disappeared into the hallway. Sara stood, quickly extinguished the flames of the candles and followed in Catherine’s wake.

Upstairs in the bedroom, Catherine stood by the bed, her head cocked to one side, a seductive smile on her lips. Sara nothing more than to lay Catherine down on the bed and make love to her, but she knew that that went against the object of the game. She walked over to the bed and sat back against the pillows waiting for Catherine to make her next move. The blond walked over to the chair by the window and kicked off her heels. She sat, ensuring Sara had a good view. Catherine ran her right hand along the low cut neckline and her eyes fell shut, the long lashes kissing her cheekbones. She ran her hands down the outside of the blue teddy, allowing them to rest on her breasts, gently teasing her nipples through the lace. She could feel the wetness growing between her legs; sense the enjoyment Sara was getting from the sight of her playing with herself. This was proving to be an amazing turn on. What Catherine couldn’t see was that Sara had lost her clothes and her hands were exploring her own body.

Sara watched as Catherine’s right hand made it’s way down her body and between her legs. The blond threw her head back as her forefinger ran the length of her slick, wet lips. Sara’s hand made the same motion on her own body, subconsciously tracing the path, wishing it were Catherine she was touching. Catherine’s finger and thumb soon found the spot, which ached for her lover’s attention. Gently massaging her clit with her right hand, she brought her left down between her legs and inserted first one finger, and then two inside her wet passage. She let a groan pass her lips as she felt the rush of pleasure her self-stimulation was causing. Sara was finding it harder to keep her concentration on Catherine’s now writhing body as she too felt that ever-nearing climax. The lovers thrust their fingers faster and harder, imagining the touch of the other.

Both women lost themselves in their own pleasure as they reached a simultaneous orgasm. Shudders engulfed the pair of them. Exhausting any energy they may have had. Once the shakes had subsided, Catherine opened her eyes and looked across the room at Sara for the first time. She smiled contentedly. Shakily, she stood, walked unsteadily across the room and lay down beside the beautiful brunette. Catherine gently pushed Sara’s damp hair off of her face.

“Told you I could make you come without actually touching you, didn’t I?”

Ch.6

Immi — Sat, 06 Jan 2007 12:21:45 CST

Catherine is going to end up killing me if she continues like this.

She obviously doesn’t know what she’s doing, either, which makes it even worse.

For the past two minutes, she’s been leaning across me to read an article I found in some magazine. I forget what it was. The second she leaned into me, the second her warm breath hit my ear, I forgot everything.

My skin is on fire, thanks to her. Why does she have to be so tactile? I’m going to blush myself to death if she stays so close to me. Or I’ll do something that I’ll regret… like jumping her.

Oh God, there’s no way I would regret that.

Shutupshutupshutup Sidle! Get a damn grip! You would regret it, and you know it! Just stay still and don’t take deep breaths!

She changes her position slightly, and her left hand ends up rubbing my inner thigh.

I almost moan at the connection.

Oh God, shouldn’t she have finished the article by now?
I think my breathing is at a seriously unsafe level right about now. There is no way she doesn’t notice…

Oh hell.

She notices. She definitely notices. She’s smirking. Never good. This is so bad.

She’s moving even closer to me. That shouldn’t be possible. She’d have to be right on-

Top of me.

Her breath is hot against my lips, and her entire body is pressed up against mine. Her gorgeous blue eyes have gone almost black with desire…

I can’t breathe. This goddess is leaning against me, sending several spasms of pleasure rushing through my body, and all I can do is stare into her eyes not breathing.

Catherine’s still smirking as she brings one hand up to brush my neck, making heart beat even faster. Her other hand takes hold of my wrist, and brings it towards her mouth, kissing it gently.

My shudder makes her eyes darken further.

She tilts her head and leans towards me-

-----------------

“Hey Sara, it’s Greg. I was just calling to make sure that everything’s okay with you. I haven’t heard from you in a few days, and I’m sort of worried that you did something stupid. So… call me back before I come down to your apartment to check your pulse! See ya’ at work tonight! Or earlier!”

I am going to kill that lab rat. Ex-lab rat. Whatever. He has no idea what he interrupted. He is going to die oh so painfully. Did he really have to call? I was in the middle of such a great dream…

I groan and throw a pillow over my eyes. All things considered, this was one of the tamest dreams that Greg has disturbed.

My face flushes at that thought. There have been more than a few occasions where I regret giving Greg my spare apartment key.

Sighing, I toss the pillow off of me and sit up. Geez, I’m exhausted. What did I do yesterday? I’m aching all over!

Oh yeah. I went for a run. Then I had my little revelation. I decided that I would be happy for Catherine instead of thinking up ways of killing Max.

I think Greg actually made a list of how many lives Catherine’s new relationship is screwing over. I was on the very top of the list. Highlighted.

Considering that he showed the list to Wendy and Sofia, him not being injured in any way is sort of surprising. The only reason I didn’t punch him was because I was depressed then.

I’m not anymore. I’m dealing with this.

Well, I’m going to deal with this. I haven’t seen Catherine in- a day and a half? That sounds right- so I haven’t been able to test out my new take on things.

Hopefully, my new take on things won’t burst into glorious flames when I actually see her again.

I have a hard time even faking optimism, so I’ll just have to pray that this will work out.

Let the games begin.

-----------------

“Ha! So you aren’t dead!”

I glare at Greg. I guess I’m still mad at him for waking me up. Any reminders of that will probably cause a spike in temper. As if I need that.

“Yes, Greg, I’m alive.” I really put on the sarcasm with that comment. Yep, definitely still pissed. “Did you make some of your coffee?”

He gives me his wounded-puppy-dog pout. “Sa-ra! That isn’t polite! Glaring at me, and then asking for some of my coffee! You should apologize- otherwise you won’t get a darned thing!”

I glare again. “I’m mad at you. I’m allowed to glare. And nice people always give their friend’s their coffee. Did you make any?”

He sighs and places a hand over his heart. “It’s a good thing I like you, Sara. Yes, and you may have the first cup. If you tell me what I did to make you mad.”

I keep my gaze trained on him as he taps a finger against his chin thoughtfully. Then he perks up.

“I called you! So… I must’ve interrupted something! Do tell- who were you with?” His eyes widen. “Or… did I interrupt some ultra-hot dream? C’mon! Don’t leave me in the dark, here!”

There are times when I can’t decide whether to flush in embarrassment or punch him when he opens his mouth.

Since he’s my best friend, I usually just end up blushing and hoping he’ll let it go. He never does. Not with non-serious Catherine-issues, at least. There are some times when he actually knows to shut up.

“My lips are sealed, Greg. There is no way I’m talking about it.”

“No coffee then.”

How many glares do you think it would take for my face to freeze like that?

“Still not saying anything.”

I stalk off towards the locker room. I really do prefer coffee before getting ready for work. Since there was none in my apartment, I was counting on Greg to be my supplier. Now I have no coffee. This does not bode well.

Especially since Catherine just entered the locker room, looking livid.

I sigh and follow my girl-

No! Not my girl! Catherine! Not. My. Girl.

Oh God, I’m screwed.

She’s slamming her locker door opened, and brushing her hands angrily through her gorgeous tresses. I should just walk away.

“Cath? Are you okay?”

She spins around and looks at me. Wow, I can’t believe how beautiful she looks right now. I just want to take her in my arms and-

Shut up, Sidle!

She sighs and shakes her head. “It’s nothing, really. Just… Grissom called me in yesterday- on my day off- to cover a homicide! It turns out to be one more notch on a serial killer’s belt, and one of the Feds is coming to take the case over.”

I wince. I know how much she hates someone taking over her cases. That’s something I learned within twenty seconds of communication. Probably why she disliked me so much in the beginning. Things have mellowed out a little bit. I guess.

“I’m guessing your girlfriend and Lindsey didn’t really like that?”

Oh, that was the wrong thing to say, Sara. You aren’t supposed to know that she’s dating a female, remember?

Definitely the wrong thing to say, judging from her shocked expression.

“Sara, how did you know that Max was a woman?” Catherine questions slowly.

“Uh… Well, a few weeks ago, when I was in your office, uh, Max showed up, and, uh, I kind of noticed that she was a she. And… the two of you walked into a diner Greg and I were having breakfast at.”

She nods, looking a bit uncomfortable. “Well, yeah. They weren’t too thrilled. Look… Sara, this isn’t a problem, right? I mean, you’re a friend, and I want to make sure that you at least… tolerate the person I choose to date.”

Scratch that; she looks really uncomfortable.

Wait- did she just call me a friend?!

Wow… I mean… friends? I didn’t realize we had made that much progress… This is great! All the more reason for me to be happy that she’s dating Max!

Right… and isn’t that just perfect?

Oh, she probably wants me to reply.

“Cath, it isn’t a problem. Really. I mean, when I first found out, I was surprised as hell, but it didn’t actually bother me.” At least, not the way you’re thinking of.

Now she looks relieved. That’s one problem fixed, then.

“So, uh… when’s the Agent getting here?”

“About now- which is why I’m in the locker room. I want to look somewhat decent when he gets here.”

I smile shyly. “You look great no matter what, Cath. I wouldn’t worry about it. I’ll just… I’ll let you deal with that on your own and leave now. Greg owes me coffee.”

She smiles back, not commenting on my blush –thank God. “I’m sure he does.”

I nod and head out to leave. Damn it… we’re friends. That… that actually makes things worse, I think.

But at least she doesn’t hate me. That’s a good thing. A very good thing.

I want a drink.

Ch.5

Immi — Sat, 06 Jan 2007 12:00:41 CST

It has been four weeks and three days since I found out about Catherine’s girlfriend.

During that time, I have come to work hungover about… seven times; gone through three bags of cough drops; oh, and I managed to cut myself several times while I was drunk. At least I don’t cut while I’m sober.

Catherine’s hurting me enough to satisfy my masochistic nature then. So great.

The only thing that I haven’t done is gone to some gay bar and picked up a Catherine look-alike. But I’m depressingly close to that point. Greg thinks that a one night stand would be good for me, though, so who knows what could happen.

Now that Catherine’s in a healthy relationship, she seems to clock out much earlier. I know that’s not realistic- she never liked working overtime- but I can’t help but think it.

I see her a lot less than I used to.

I thought that my heart couldn’t hurt any worse. I thought that seeing her with Max every few days had just completely destroyed me. But not seeing her at all… God, it really shouldn’t be possible to hurt this badly.

Work used to be my solace. Now, I can’t decide whether or not I want to go or not. I mean, working can distract me easily. But it also makes me aware of the amount of time I don’t see Catherine.

Which is really, really depressing.

At least Grissom seems to have picked up on my mood. He teams me up with Greg almost every shift, and makes sure that any rape or domestic violence cases go to someone else.

I guess dating Lady Heather makes one a bit more sensitive when it comes to observing people.

It really is a good thing that he’s finally in an official relationship with her. I think I might have ended up shooting him if he came to me and said he was worried- no, concerned- with my recent behavior.

I sigh and roll over into the back of my couch. I haven’t been sleeping in my bed since the day Greg found me passed out on the floor. For some reason, I just don’t feel quite so comfortable on it.

Besides, given the amount of time I spend sleeping lately, I don’t think the surface really matters.

It’s funny- I had almost forgotten how bad my nightmares can get when I’m under some sort of emotional stress.

Now, I can’t believe how I forgot. Watching blood splatter my bedroom wall every night over and over again is a whole new sort of Hell.

I can’t decide which affects me more. My not-so-happy-sunshine childhood…

…Or Catherine having a girlfriend.

It is really, really sad that I can compare the two. I mean, I might be in love with her, but isn’t this a little much? She’s fucking happy without me around. There’s nothing awful about that.

I roll my eyes and slam my now empty beer bottle onto the coffee table. This is getting me nowhere. I need to go out and do something before I lose myself in my own misery.

I really wish I hadn’t requested a day off. Why had I done that anyways?

Oh yeah. Catherine had a day off. I wanted to be away from work so that I wouldn’t think about just why she wasn’t there.

What sort of screwed up logic is that?

I shake my head and get up from the couch. I’m going to go running or something.

-----------------

My ears feel like they’re bleeding, my legs are on fire, and I can’t see.

I haven’t felt this great for months. This is just wonderful. It’s been way too long since I’ve done something like this.

Running in near-freezing weather is a bad thing. It just isn’t that healthy. But I honestly can’t think of better conditions when running off the pain of a broken heart.

And on the list of things that aren’t healthy that I’ve done these past four weeks, running in bad weather is at the bottom of the list.

This is something that’s at least making me feel better. I’m not drowning in depression because of this. So it can’t be all that bad.

I can feel myself grinning. I think the sheer exhaustion of what I’ve just done is starting to go to my head. Running for two hours after having very little to eat all day… stupid.

I really can’t bring myself to care. I’m actually feeling good. Even thoughts of Catherine being with Max right now aren’t bothering me.

She’s happy.

Happier than she’s been in all the time I’ve known her.

And I get to see that happiness every day I work with her.

She might be hot as hell when she’s angry, but that’s nothing compared to the beauty her happiness gives her.

Seeing that is more than I deserve anyways. So it’s fine.

I can do this.

I really can be happy for her, even if she’s with someone else.

This can work.

I can make this work.

Ch.4

Immi — Sat, 06 Jan 2007 11:57:05 CST

“You and Wendy should start a club.”

I look over at Greg and glare. He just grins back.

“What? ‘Emo Brunettes Who Want Max Dead’ doesn’t sound like a fun group to you? I think it’s a wonderful idea!”

I sigh despairingly and turn back to my paperwork. Thirteen minutes and forty-three seconds without a single thought of Catherine… gone.

“Well, no, that title wouldn’t work. I think Sofia also wants to kill Max since Wendy’s all depressed now. Hm… I bet that if we started a petition-”

“Greg, shut up! I’m actually trying to work here!”

He sticks his tongue out at me. What is up with him today? Normally, I don’t mind when he goes back to being his old, hyper lab rat self, but at the moment it isn’t really helping anyone.

“And I’m trying to get you to talk with me. Do you have any idea how boring you’ve been lately? I’m starting to really worry about you, Sara.”

I blink at him and turn away. I really don’t want Greg to give me another pep talk right now. All they do is get my hopes up for nothing. Catherine is obviously very happy with Max, and obviously wants nothing to do with me.

Shouldn’t I be the one in denial here? Not Greg? Not that he really sees it as denial… he thinks of it as looking at the ‘situation’ more positively.

What I don’t get is he can write this off as a simple ‘situation’.

Bezich- that damn night club manager bastard who actually had the nerve to cheat on Catherine- was a ‘situation’.

Max is a girlfriend.

A girlfriend Catherine really seems to care about. A girlfriend who cares enough about Catherine to come to her workplace and bring flowers.

No one else has ever done that for Catherine- treated her the way she deserves. At least, not since my time in Vegas.

It really hurts that I can’t be the one doing that for her. But…

She’s happy.

No… more than that. She’s constantly glowing.

I can be happy for her. I can. I always knew that nothing would ever come of my feelings for her.

I want her to be happy. She is.

It shouldn’t matter to me who makes her glow like that. She’s happier, more content than I’ve ever seen her.

“Are you even listening to me Sara?”

I turn back to Greg and try to smile.

I can deal with this. As long as she’s happy…

Lying to myself certainly is a talent of mine.

-----------------

I’m going to try and stay sober tonight. That might actually be a bit of a challenge, considering how much alcohol I’ve consumed since I found out about Max.

I really don’t have a problem with alcohol, it’s just one of the easiest legal ways to mute my ‘me issues’.

It’s better than some of the things I’ve resorted to in the past, at least.

Just thinking about those other methods makes an uncomfortable shiver run down my spine, and my wrists start to burn.

Maybe I should have taken Greg up on his offer to stay with him. Being alone with my demons has never ended in anything good.

I sigh and collapse into my couch. I’m starting to regret my decision to skip overtime in favor of coming home. At least at work I’d be able to focus on something besides how miserable I am.

For a second, I consider calling Wendy for a group moping session, but I quickly dismiss that thought. As much as I like Wendy, I don’t think I can handle talking to yet another person who’s attracted to her.

Greg doesn’t count- I think he appreciates all good looking women.

My heart jumps as I think of the good looking woman I’d like to be with right now.

Just thinking about her is enough to send me into a nervous sweat. Damn, I’ve got it bad.

This is ridiculous. Her being with someone else shouldn’t make my feelings for her stronger. If anything, they should be easier to ignore.

But they aren’t. At work, I’ve discovered that, despite every effort to push my feelings for Catherine out of my head, I can’t stop myself from blushing every time she so much as enters a room.

If I were any more obvious, Grissom would probably notice. Nick’s just confused by my behavior at the moment, but Warrick seems to have caught on.

Catherine probably knows if Warrick knows. They’re very close friends. Of course, I doubt it would make a difference to her if I didn’t approach her. She’s probably very used to people holding some sort of unrequited feelings for her. I don’t think anyone is immune to her charms.

Once, at a crime scene, I actually caught sight of a married woman (standing next to her equally gaping husband) checking Catherine out.

Of course, really, who wouldn’t want a chance to date Catherine? No one sane, that’s for sure. She has got to be the most gorgeous woman in the entire world.

Max certainly sees that.

Damn it. So close. So close to being able to daydream peacefully about Catherine. Then Max had to interrupt my musings. Wonderful.

My earlier thinking about being able to live with it as long as Catherine’s happy is practically in shreds. I love her so much, it physically hurts to think about her with anyone else.

Not being able to really express it is killing me. Along with a few other things.

I want nothing more than to take her out on dates; kiss her softly; gently make love to her.

Knowing that I might have actually had a chance to do those things before Max… God. It’s too painful for words to think that I might have lost a chance I never knew I had.

No… no. She would never love someone like me, no matter what sex she’s attracted to. I didn’t lose anything… You can’t really lose what you don’t have in the first place…

None of that really helps.

My heart still breaks a little more every time I think about her with Max.

Ch.2

Immi — Sat, 06 Jan 2007 11:54:33 CST

Oh God, how is it possible for someone’s head to hurt so badly?

Right, the alcohol. After I saw Catherine with her…

Date.

Not a boy toy. Judging from the look on her face last night, not any sort of toy.

Great. Now I feel drunk all over again. How is that fair?

Then again, since when is my life even remotely fair?

This sucks.

What time is it?

I groan as I try to roll over and look at the clock on my nightstand. My head hurts like hell, and the movement is definitely not helping.

Come to think of it, my arms hurt too. Now that’s never a good thing. Especially not after waking up from a drunken stupor.

I open my eyes, only to close them again when a shaft of light burns them through the gap in the curtains.

Damn, this is going to be fun.

I open my eyes more slowly, and try to get some grasp on my location.

Okay, good. The light hurts like hell, but I can see. I’m in my bedroom.

And… yeah. My shoulders have some pretty nice cuts on them. Damn it, I thought I was done with cutting myself when I got drunk. Guess not.

I look at the clock. Oh that’s just perfect. Just a little before shift starts.

Pills. Pills are next to the clock. Did I put them there? No… Greg did.

Greg came over earlier. While I was still drinking. That would definitely explain why I’m actually under the covers.

He must’ve guessed that I’d come home and do something self-destructive. He probably wanted to make sure that I didn’t do something really stupid.

I glance down at my arms again and snort. I’d say this qualifies.

I really am an idiot. I fall head over heels in love with a coworker. A female coworker, who on all accounts appeared straight. A female coworker who hated me until several months ago. And then, after I figure out that said coworker isn’t actually straight, and is in fact dating a woman, I go home, get drunk, and cut myself.

What the hell is wrong with me?

I shake my head blearily. My parents used to ask me that question all the time. They usually answered in the same breath. Nothing flattering, of course.

I should get up and take a shower. Or at least clean up my cuts. The caked blood on my arms isn’t really comfortable. I definitely need to take a shower.

Sighing, I grab the pills Greg left and down them in one gulp. For a second after I get up, I feel dizzy, but that quickly passes. Good. Maybe this hangover won’t be as bad as I first thought.

Yeah, my luck is just that great.

-----------------

I need more cough drops. The second I open my locker, I can tell that there is no way I have enough to get through a shift.

Of course.

I think through my options. I could ask Jim for a few. He keeps some cough drops in his office out of habit.

But I really don’t want to give him any more evidence that points towards a drinking problem. I have a ‘me’ problem, that I occasionally deal with using alcohol. That’s it. Not a drinking problem.

Not Jim, then.

I could ask Greg for something I suppose. He already knows that I got drunk last night, this morning, and this afternoon.

“You planning on standing there all shift, or are you actually going to move?”

I spin around to see Catherine standing in front of me, smirking. She always looks so damn sexy when she smirks. But for once that isn’t what catches my attention first.

There are bags under her eyes. There is no way she got a lot of sleep last night.

But she’s glowing.

Oh God. No, no, no, no. I’m not going to think about it. No way am I going to think about her date and what obviously happened last night. No.

“Uh… Hey, Cath.”

She frowns at me. “Are you feeling okay, Sara? You sound a bit off.”

No, I’m not feeling o-freakin-kay. I’m hungover, I’m pretty sure the woman I’m in love with spent last night fucking her girlfriend, and I can’t seem to avoid being turned on by her amazingly hot body.

I really doubt that saying all of that would go over well.

“I think I’m catching some sort of cold.” I cough for good measure. “Do you have any cough drops?”

“Yeah, sure. I keep some in my locker.” She walks over to her locker, opens it, and tosses a bag at my head.

The bag hits me, and the cough drops fly everywhere. Catherine rolls her eyes and leans down to grab them.

“Geez, Sara. And here I thought you were athletic.”

She grins up at me, and just like yesterday, it feels like one of those smiles. And just like yesterday, I’m rendered completely immobile. How can she have such complete control over me?

Too late, I realize that she’s cleaned them all up and I’m still staring.

“Hey, are you sure you should be at work today? You look terrible.”

That snaps me out of my stupor. Of course, who wouldn’t notice when their unrequited love says they look terrible?

“I’m, uh, fine Cath. Just a little out of sorts. Work won’t be a problem.”

She looks a little concerned, but shrugs anyways, handing me the bag of cough drops. This is one time I’m glad that we aren’t really friends. If I were her friend, she would probably want to talk to me about her date. And she would object to me working while sick.

She looks like she’s about to walk out of the locker room, but she pauses when she catches a glimpse of my locker.

Shit. She saw my own collection of cough drops. There is no way she’s going to overlook that. Not after I took some of hers.

But she doesn’t say anything. Her concerned frown just becomes more pronounced.

As she closes the door to the locker room, I sigh in relief. I don’t think I would have been able to lie to Catherine if she had asked why I needed more cough drops than I already had.

I shake my head and pop one into my mouth.

Either we’re better friends than I thought, and she didn’t want to invade my privacy…

…Or we aren’t friends at all, and she didn’t give a damn.